Today wasn't as bad as it could have been. Friends at work helped keep my mind off it even though nobody there knew anything was wrong. I made sure I listened to him and you as both make me happy. Still wish you'd been here to help me. And then I got amazing news tonight.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He would be 31, instead he is forever 25.
I don't talk to anyone about him. It seems I am not allowed, for various reasons.
I wish tomorrow would never come or that I could sleep it away. Instead I have to work.
As hard as tomorrow will be for me I wish you were here with me to make it better for me, to comfort me, let me cry or let me forget, be whatever I need you to be but not judge me or make me feel bad for what that day is or how it makes me feel. Just be there, and care, care that I hurt. 
I want that everyday anyway. Someone who shows me he cares no matter what I am going through, whether he understand or agrees, someone who protects, who makes me feel better, who calms me down. I want to feel all that for someone as well. Instead, I feel nothing, just want for someone I hope to one day be with.

For some reason my jaw has been giving me trouble the last couple of days. Everything seems to irritate it. Haven't had it irritated like this in awhile.

Was hoping to see you last night but didn't. Thought of you today while alone. It felt so good. Wish it was your hands.

There is a certain way, a certain position I want you to fuck me. I will never tell him what it is, and if he ever thinks of trying it I will refuse because I don't want him ruining this on like he ruined one before.

I have been thinking of you so much today. Hopefully I will see you soon, though I don't know if I will talk to you. I want to but not sure I will have any reason to. I also don't want others around when I do, but know they will be. I know others will suck up your time. Or hover around me.
I would love to spend a bit of time just us. I would love for you to talk to me, find me and start talking to me. And I would especially love it if you would have as little as possible contact with a certain person/people.

Have to say again that I don't care who views this (or other blogs/sites) but if you know me (in life or online) and you DON'T LIKE ME, then get the fuck off and go away. You have no reason to be viewing anything that I post.