I had a bad night last night. 

I found that stupid fucking post of hers. At first I reacted the way I always do with the dumb bitch, to blow it off, and assume she is being stupid, making shit up in her own head. I didn't really let it get to me much, Though the idea of it did bug me a bit. I can't stand the though of you thinking of her favorable or being friendly with her. Because I want things my way and what I have seen and what you personally indicated to me without saying her name indicated you feel about her the same way I do. 

Then suddenly as I am going to sleep it hits me. What if? What if she isn't lying? What if everything she says is true and I just refuse to see it because I don't want to see it. Because the idea that you would want to have anything to do with her, or be nice to her or friends with her or prefer her to me makes me sick. I want nothing to do with you if that is the case. 

I feel awful. I don't want to be this way. But she has no room in my life. The way things are, without going into details, the way the things she does ends up making me feel, the way I end up getting treated. NO, no way. Not you. 

I know for now you are an idea, a fantasy, that you and I may never be. I hate that you make me feel this bad. That you can control how much I hurt or love. That I have no way of knowing what you think or feel. Or if you are even reading this. Some days I think so others I think it is her crazy friends spying on me. 

Good, bad, You, them. Doesn't matter. 

I am so tired of how others make me feel. I can only control so much. I wish I knew how you felt, what you think. I know a few things. What you tell me in person, what I see. You treat me so much better than her. That means something. She can think what she wants. Objectivity and questioning everything, my seeing everything, good and bad with how you treat me, what you say and do. I see what you do, and what you don't in regards to me. But I also see it with those around me. It is a good thing and a bad thing. not just with you, but everyone. Details. I notice what others don't. How I see her for what she is.I hope you are blinded like so many others.