I have had the worst week emotionally. I keep starting to have dark thoughts again tonight. Rationally I know everything is okay, that until you tell me one way or another I don't know what you are thinking, and that I can assume based on what you say in interviews and others say about you that know you, and what you say to me that all is good. Now that doesn't mean anything will ever happen but it means I shouldn't get so upset and convince myself that they is no way you'd ever be with me.
I fear that certain basic things will never happen for me. Being truly loved and in love, passion, wanting the man I am with, kissing, feeling anothers tongue. All of this may seem stupid, but when you don't have it, and you want it, it gets upsetting and is so easy sometimes to get upset about. I think about how I will probably never get married or have kids, even though I don't know that I want any of my own. Being with him as long as I have, and not yet married I don't think it will ever happen, I wouldn't anyway. And I don't think there will be anyone else. I fear being alone, that nobody will ever want to be with me. I fear my flaws, both physical and emotional/personality are enough to prevent anyone from wanting to be with me. Especially you. I can't imagine you would actually want me, not for one night, let alone a relationship.
He doesn't make me feel loved. I don't know what that feels like.
I know few people actually care about me, and you are one who likely doesn't. I feel like if you cared, at all, even a small amount, you'd find a small way to make me feel better, to let me know that you care, but you don't. I am trying to remember that maybe you don't read this, that you have said you prefer face to face, and that you treat me one way in person, but at the same time, you still don't treat me all that special then either which contributes to me thinking you don't care.
Just having a hard time, I think because of the time of year. Next weekend is going to be really hard.