Things are going so well, at least with one part of my life. The connection is amazing. I don't know where it is going, but I am happy.

He drives me so fucking crazy. He leaves the room. I put music on. He comes back in and starts talking as if I can hear him. Just leave, it is the weekend and he barely give me 5 minutes alone. Just go away.
I really need to make those changes so I can move on. Being irritated all the time is not good. This has nothing to do with wanting anyone else. Just me.

He is asleep in the chair. What the fucking hell?
I'm in pain, probably should see a doctor, he even sends me a message saying he thinks I should go when he gets home. Okay, so he gets home. He doesn't ask how I am or bring it up. And is now sleeping. Good job dick. Especially when I work super fucking early tomorrow so need to eat asap and go to bed. I don't have time for your selfish ass to be sleeping right now.

I have no words to describe what I feel right now.
I am so annoyed and angry.
First he wakes me up because he is selfish. I don't know how many times I have asked him not to fucking touch me when I'm sleeping because it does wake me up. But he is 100% selfish so no matter what I say it is about what he wants. Maybe if he respected and listed to me I might have sex with him once in a while. But since he pisses me off so much, no.
Then I am so fucking tired of his procrastination. Anytime he needs to leave (or go to bed) he dicks around online, on his phone or sometimes watches tv (shows/movies he doesn't like, just because it is on) to prolong leaving/going to bed. Just now it took him nearly an hour to actually leave. WTF?! No. That is never fucking okay.

I am tired of you making me feel the way I do. I never expected much in the end, but I had hoped for a little. I know nothing is happening nor will it happen. At least I don't have the other making me feel like this anymore.

Seriously he is so fucking stupid. I am so annoyed.

I'd so love to have you with me today. Never a good day.

I got off for the first time in a while thinking of you instead of the more recent crush. It was so good.
There is no way to compare the two of you so I don't even try. Damn, how I want you.

I really hate having sex with him. The most recent time we had sex everything was good for a bit, it's never that good, but tolerable, and then I am disgusted. Had to shove him away. He starts to have sex, gets it in, thrusts, maybe 2 times and is done. I don't feel anything. I am so turned off by this. disgusted by sex with him.

I am tired of people making me feel this way.
Feeling like I don't matter. Less than others. Unimportant.
I knew I didn't actually matter or stand a chance. I knew over little things, over things so small that most would never notice, but they are huge to me.
I am done. I will continue to be polite, but I will do my best to be just that. Nothing more. In the past I have tried to get this persons attention. To make sure I got to speak with them when I saw them. Dropped small hints. And I had thought that there might be things coming back. But then odd things would be said or done. And things you'd expect to happen wouldn't. I kind of knew that I was likely reading things into things because I wanted to see them. I tend to do this sometimes, I know I do it so I can be rational about it. I knew this was a person who I was going to get hurt from. I am doing everything I can to not get hurt. If I don't back up, I will get really hurt.

I'm figuring out what I need to be happy.
Some to be happy/love.
A better living situation because I kinda hate my place.
More/better interactions with people.
Dealing with my depression/anxiety and overall health.

I just realized those two have the same first and last initials, their middle is different.

I had a horrible night last night emotionally. It comes down to 4 people. The 2 people I have crushes on and 2 friends. I know everything is irrational but I can't help how the make me feel. The insecure feelings the cause.

I am so damn tired of him not paying attention and being stupid.
"I didn't think that was like that before" No, not yesterday but when I sent that picture. All you have to do is look. Is that so hard? and pay attention to what I am saying. But he does neither. And wonders why I get mad or annoyed.

He is going to be dick today of all days.

Went out last night to a show. Overall had a good time.
Overheard one girl tell her boyfriend that I was really pretty.
Had a slightly weird interaction with a guy, he ended up giving me a huge hug. All I did was watch his beer for him.

I get to tired of his pissy attitudes.
He comes home and the first thing I hear is something like "are you kidding me?" because he dropped something. This is normal anytime something doesn't go 100% his way, and always said with an attitude.
Then I said I didn't want to go to work tomorrow because it is a 4.5 hour shift super early. He tries to argue with me that he would be okay with that as he is so burned out at his job that anything would be better.
Umm no, going to be at 7-8 at night, getting up before 2 am and busting my ass while suffocating is not better than driving and dealing with a bitchy boss. Sorry but no. If you are so unhappy, APPLY for other jobs, don't just look at them. And because you are unhappy doesn't mean you have to be such a negative jerk.
I am tired of everyone thinking he is such a nice, happy guy. Fuck them all, they don't deal with or see this side of him.

He is such a fucking jerk.
For various reasons.
One being always laughing at any little fuck up I have, not just a little laugh, but making fun of me.
Another is when I am talking refusing to actually pay attention which results in my repeating myself later and him saying "I forgot". He didn't forget the selfish fuck doesn't pay attention. Show some fucking respect.

I wish I could get the attention I want from you. I know you think something of me, but what you intend to do about it is what make me insecure.
I love the attention I am getting elsewhere, and will not give that up, even for you.

I'm so tired of him always deciding he should shower before me. Always.

You know what is fucking annoying? When I haven't slept well, and he claims the same, when I know he slept just fine.

I really hate that fucking smirk he gets when I am talking.

Timing is bad. I still think you are an asshole.
I don't know what went on today. It probably isn't as bad as I think. Probably wasn't you, but timing was so bad.

I've been doing okay enough with things lately. But when you do shit like this. I am so tired of everyone thinking you are such a nice guy when you are such a fucking asshole. You really have to learn to treat those who care for you better. In this case it isn't up to you to decide who is good enough.

Wow. I am really sorry. If you don't want me to like things then tell me. Fuck. I can even stop listening to you.
Remind though why you needed to do that? God, you are an asshole!

I've been pretty upset over something for a bit but I think I figured it out today.

Had a bad night last night. Over someone who should make me feel this way. Someone who is happy to see me. Misses me when they haven't seen me in a few days. Talks to me. Gets moody when I don't talk to them.

So he screws around online. runs late. Will end up being about 45 minutes late in total. After he is ready he stands around doing NOTHING. Just procrastinating. What the fuck is so hard about doing what you need to do? This is all the fucking time.
Then turns out he lied to them about what he was doing and why he was late.

He has to be somewhere in an hour. He hasn't showered yet. He is screwing around online. I fucking hate when he does this.
___
Now is at 30 minutes and still in the same fucking spot. No change. No attempt to shower or move.
___
He closes his computer. Sees the time, says shit and starts moving. Gee dumb fuck, maybe you should have been paying attention.

Just shut up you stupid, annoying bitch! When the fuck are you going to understand that no matter how much you "like", comment, repost/reblog on any social media network, no matter how much you suck up to people that you aren't liked, you are tolerated. A handful of people might like you, but not the ones you are so desperate for the attention and like from do. Calm down or better yet go the fuck away.
I don't understand how you can't see how others see you. Two that you want the most don't like you. Funny enough considering who they are. Maybe that is why you hate me so fucking much.

When you realize that one person does things to bug the fuck out of you, including liking someone because you do and their jealousy eats them up it is just as funny because they can never do anything about the other person you like.
It is kind of how girls will never like a guy until another girl likes him, then everyone has a crush on him. Only this time unless she wants to reveal just how jealous and fake and petty she is then she can't.

His procrastination annoys me so much. He needs to leave so I can do what I need to do. I hate that he does this. It is one of the things that can set off my anger more than anything. But I can't say anything about it because he doesn't see he is doing anything wrong, and when he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong then he just becomes a dick and I'm a major bitch. But sorry, sitting there doing NOTHING, because you can't get motivated or aren't ready to do something is fucking stupid. The other night he was tired but didn't go to bed because he wasn't "ready to give up his freedom." He is a fucking adult. More than time to grow the fuck and do the things that need to be done when they have to be done. Including going to fucking bed!
Oh, and he just went online to check some fucking bullshit concert. This is what he does instead of going and doing what he needs to be doing.

Why can you bring me down? Almost all my negative thoughts are because of you. You aren't even really in  my life. So why do you have so much control on it?

I had an amazing day.
I realize in the end you don't think of me at all. But I'm sure you think of her.

Everything has been going pretty well. Working on improving so much. 

And then I see something that annoys me so much. How can that person work in that field? Impossible. Either she is lying or she has impossible connections. Such bullshit. I also find it hard to believe she could pass the needed drug test.

I had wondered if a certain person might be viewing things I post. 

It is highly possible and that makes me happy. 

Girl I graduated my degree with and works in the field just posted the dumbest, and most inaccurate "medical" facts chart on facebook. She believes it. It was not done ironically. Shouldn't she fucking know all that info is 100% wrong.
Reasons why I hate stupid people.

I hate when he refuses to go to bed. And since he is only working a half day tomorrow he obviously sees no reason to go to bed. But I'm tired and want to alone time before I go to bed so he fucking needs to go to sleep so I have some time. Why is he like this?

How is someone this stupid?
Making dinner. First he forgets to cut the pepper. Then he just STOPS making dinner cause I said sit for a bit. Yes but I assumed that he had dinner going, so I have been waiting. Get up to make a drink and start eating and discover that no, still need another 20-30 minutes because he stopped in the middle. Who does this? Then I get it going, add the last couple of things, and he says, "is it going?" Meaning do I have the burner on. Yes, yes I do. I am not that stupid. His reason for asking, he couldn't see it. Just because you can't see don't mean anything! How the fuck am I going to finish it if I don't turn it on? And what would be the point of adding the last bit if I didn't turn it on?!

Okay seriously this is fucking old. He was my fucking cousin too, but everyone who is a mutual friend with my sister comments on things she posts, ignoring what I post, or they post on hers as well. What the fuck? How the fuck does this work? Why is her posts about it or her feelings about it more important than MINE? And what pisses me off most, I post things before she did. And some of these fucking people are my friends, only know her through me.
This really doesn't help the feeling ignored part of my depression at all.

I have a friend that most times when I text I don't get a reply, ever. I she texts me first and I reply, I usually don't hear back.
Now I could write this off as she just doesn't get my texts, but then she would be the only one, on a regular basic, every text or almost every text who doesn't get them. And I doubt that.
I can post things on facebook and she rarely comments or likes, but I can see her liking things and commenting on mutual friends. With what is going on now, she liked/commented on my sisters post about it. So did a couple of other people, people who are my friends, that my sister only knows through me.
Sorry if I sound a bit whiny but I am dealing things, and these issues are things that are making some of my problems worse.

I have so much stress and tension in my neck and shoulders, my jar is aching. I have taken pain medication several times, should probably take my prescription but don't want to just yet. I could go for a massage or stress relief.
I would love to have one of the or both of the people I think of contact me, but I know that won't happen.
Hell sadly, some people who should be showing me they care aren't but can pay attention to my sister.

I want to believe that my family is being overly dramatic, but somehow it won't be that way when I need them to be. Why does that only happen when I never care? This time because I want it that way, it won't be.

I woke up this morning having a bad day. It didn't get better for most of the day.
It still isn't as the person I want is unavailable so even if they like me it doesn't matter.
Then bullshit with him happens. And of course he turns it around to say that I am a selfish bitch who doesn't like him to do things. Bullshit. He has a concert on his own coming up and we have tickets to no less than 2 other shows that he wants to go to. He is also going to an addition show later this summer without me. But I don't let him do things. Yeah.
It is typical behavior of his to turn things around on me and make me the bad guy and him the victim.
So tired of it.

I get so tired of the petty bullshit with friends of friends. A certain friend will post things on Facebook, nobody comments on it, until myself or a few others do and then BAM! others do, it could be hours since she posted when the first comment is added. Wtf? I doubt her other friends just suddenly saw it AFTER others commented. I think they do it out of pettiness.

What I heard that upset me, not sure what that was about. One of them knows about my situation, but the other seems shocked about it today, if I read her right today. Maybe I didn't get that right today, or maybe a few weeks ago was wrong.
Either way I had decided that I would let things progress as they come, but me back off a bit. See how the person act. That person acted just fine today.
I'm happy with how things went today. Even if it is innocent, and stays innocent. I am happy.

I am so tired of him being "unmotivated" to do things. Grow the hell up! You are a fucking adult and you have things you have to do, so go fucking do them. I'm tired of hearing this all the damn time.
He annoys me over everything and nothing. He needs to just go away.

If what I heard is true I will be seeing you fairly soon. Can't wait.

Saturday night I forgot about the girl who acted pissy with me. In line for the bathroom she acted odd, giving me odd looks, when talking to another girl and when she came out.
She had been talking to the singer. I assumed they were just friends as there was no flirty behavior on his part. But when he was on stage she stood up front and stared at him with a dopey grin. Looks to me like she has a thing for him.
If she saw something from him or he said something, or saw me look at him, she would see me as a threat.

I realized that it isn't 2 married people who have hit on me. It is 3. I totally forgot about the first one last May.

Went out to see a few bands play last night. Shortly after getting there the singer of one comes up to me and smiles, says hi, seemed like he wanted to try and talk but couldn't figure out how.
The rest of the night I notice that he watched me, sometimes he would smile. His bass player was really nice and he is normally a dick or at least was the last time I'd seen them (had never met the singer before). Can't be sure the bassist wasn't just trying to make sure the singer didn't see me when I walked past when he was nice either. When another band was being a bit goofy on stage and mentioned sex he looked at me. Once on stage to set up makes sure he has my attention and does goofy things. During the show makes eye contact, no biggie as he is on stage, that is what they do, but he wasn't doing it with others.
Okay, not sure if he was interested or what. Notice a ring. Boyfriend mentions today he is married, that we were invited to a party celebrating it a few months back when it happened.
Okay. Was he flirting/showing interest, maybe, maybe not, don't know for sure, but seemed like it at times. If he was that is two in the last month or two. What the hell?

I heard something today that I'm not sure what to think about. It could have been about me but I didn't hear enough to know exactly what they said. I don't know if it was good or bad either. Now it makes me paranoid about the situation I am in. Figure the best way to handle it is to just pull back, basically all the way. Not a situation I need to be in anyway, and not worth any bullshit. Not like anything was going to come of it anyway.  And I probably imagined or read to much into it in the first place.
I honestly don't think that I'm supposed to have happiness.

I know I would choose you over the other person.

I hate that I want attention from the people that I do. I know I shouldn't want one persons attention because of the situation but that doesn't stop me.

I'm so sick of him hearing what he wants from what I say, then making it up and getting mad when I correct him. Why can't he just listen the first time?

There are things he does that irritate the hell out of me. Depending on what it is and my mood can cause me to really get mad. One of those things is when he is planning to do anything, and he procrastinates. Whether it is getting in the shower, leaving the house, going to bed, going to sleep, whatever. And he can procrastinate over the smallest things.
Fucking God. Do what you plan on doing and be done with it. Right now it is leaving to run a few errands.

I have "crushes" on two people right now. They couldn't be more different than night and day. One is you, but you know that, you know how I feel about you, what I think of you.
This other would surprise everyone who knows me, well maybe a few wouldn't be surprised. I alternate between thinking of the two of you.

I can't stop thinking of you. Soon, I hope.

Had a fight with him. Told him how I feel about the bullshit yesterday.
Don't know if I am reading too much into something with someone or not, guess we will see.
He realizes I am serious about leaving him for you.

I so love when he is truly selfish.
He comes home, sits on his ass on the phone being annoying. I have no problem with him being on the phone, I have a problem with him being annoying, and a bit in general right now.
Then he finally gets off the phone, does he attempt to try and make dinner or talk about making dinner. No. Just sits in the chair.
I have to be up way early for work, but if I say anything he will have forgot that I have to work or that it is super early. Like fucking hell.

I get that dealing with depression is hard, and that dealing with a person with it is hard. But the people in my life ignore me and it. It seems they think if they act like what I said online when I mention how I am feeling wasn't said then it will go away, or maybe I will and that they won't have to do anything. I tell people how I feel, what I need and most do nothing to change it. Guess some of those people don't care.
One asshole I know posts ONE fucking comment about feeling less positive lately and he has tons of people on it, including the asshole who claims to love me. Yet I don't think he has said one thing to me about how I feel.
Are you fucking kidding me?

I should not watch videos of you as all they do is turn me on. Even when I just got off thinking of you.

I'm so sick of him bitching. I get that money and finances are stressful but going on about it isn't helping and especially going on about it the way he does pisses me off.
I have issues, and somehow he equates or makes references to losing it, and breaking down. No, just stop. When I feel the way I do and go through what I do stop saying that about everything. It belittles what I go through.

Having a hard time dealing with his bullshit. His bitching and moaning. He could do a simple thing that I suggest that would make things better but refuses. He goes off over stupid and sometimes small things. I have a hard time dealing with certain things and stupid outbursts don't help.

Thinking of you and someone else. The two of you couldn't be more different. Both make me happy. The thought of you. I wish I could talk to you more than I do.

I really need him to stop talking so much and so loud.

I'm seriously horny now. I so need to fuck that ONE person I have been thinking of today.

Seriously what an ass!
 I text him because I am upset and he never once comforts me.
And to make it worse, instead of comforting me, he is now pissed at the situation because he doesn't get what he wants from it.

I know certain changes will be made during this year.
I am so tired of being this unhappy. Some will be fairly easy to achieve. Others not so easy.
One is getting you. How do I do that?

What the fuck do I have to do to get the attention I need? I tell people I need it. I ask for it. I do subtle things for it. NOTHING.
Am I really worth so little that nobody cares enough?

I adore you.

As I've been feeling ignored by a certain friend for a while and even making posts about it isn't helping I decided to see how they'd feel if I ignored them for awhile. I went and remove recent likes, and stopped liking anything they post no matter. As I'm not a big commenter that hasn't changed.
I've had more likes from them since then I have in the last 3 months.

I love nights when I have to be at work the next day super early is also the night he wants to be the laziest and most annoying. I can't wait all evening to do things, yet he seems to think I can.
I now also have to deal with him acting like I am wrong when his family is crazy and wants him to do things he doesn't need to and is thinking of doing just to shut them up. They are just fucking paranoid and need to stop.

I made it through that day. It was tough and everything set me off. Thankfully I had alone time so I could deal with it alone. Other issues got to me around then making the days surrounding it very hard as well. I know that day didn't help anything. I wish you'd been there, I need someone who doesn't judge but allows me to feel the way I do about things.

Two people have the power to make me feel worse than anyone ever.
One is him. And is never anything he does it is overthinking and what others do. I have to stop doing that. I have to stop letting other get to me. I can deal with the overthinking. That I know I will get over when everything passes.
I have to stop letting the lies from others get to me. I know what he has personally said to me and what I have seen. What is said by others and what comes from him don't add up. I know what to believe. But when I get down and I start overthinking, I let the wrong things in.

Sometimes I want to reach out to her so badly but I know it is pointless. I have tried so many times, and gotten nowhere. I text and don't get replies, she never texts first. I rarely hear from her on facebook. I know it shouldn't matter because she says one thing. But I believe actions speak for themselves. I need to let go. But I don't know if I can.
Right now I want so badly to talk to her, but I don't want to put myself out there and be ignored again, like normal.

I'm getting the time I need off work to rest my knee but that means I don't make money.
I dread that date coming up and I have nobody to talk to about it so I have to pretend it doesn't exist. I just wish I didn't have to be that way over him.

I mention that feeling ignored is really hard for me, and what happens? Nothing. Still feeling ignored. Yeah great feeling.

Holy hell! He just came in from work and was so annoying I want to choke him. He is stupid, told me one thing about my car before now says something different. How did I get the other number if he didn't say it? really how is he this stupid?
Then he is overly loud.
Plus, this morning he was annoying as fuck. He can't leave at about 7 if he is already ready, he has to leave at exactly 7:05 or whatever. That is annoying as fuck.

Have had a bad couple of days. Got hurt twice in one day. Once was fully my own stupidity.
Would love to have you here with me, to help take care of me and just spend time with in general.
It is getting close to a date I hate more than almost anything. And I can't talk about it. Complicated beyond words.
Things might be looking up, but I doubt it would lead anywhere. At least it might help how I feel about things in general.

I learned something for sure that somehow I already knew. It makes me happy that I seem to already knew this. I hope that means some other things I think I figured out might be true too.
Of course, what you revealed I don't think everyone needed to know.
You are amazing and a goof, and I would love to talk with you, get to know you better.

His bad attitude doesn't help things. In fact I know it makes it worse, lots worse.
I can't tell him that though because he would never accept it. I would just hear a bunch of bullshit about it, like how he puts up with my moods and attitudes.

Yesterday was a mixed day. In the afternoon I had good thoughts and was positive, good things about you. Chatted with friends. As I'm going to bed I started getting sad, and all the positive thoughts from earlier in the day are gone, I'm thinking the opposite in fact.
Then I dreams that you started sending me gifts, just small things. I doubt those dreams mean anything, but at least they made me feel better.

I really fucking hate when he eats something because he is hungry instead of making dinner. Maybe that helps him, but that doesn't help me.

I had such a bad day and all I wanted was you there with me to fix it and you with me now to cuddle and unwind.

So tired today. He wouldn't go to sleep last night and I wanted just a few minutes alone. I don't know why he can't grow up and go to bed. Instead he will be so tired, eyes red and heavy and yawning constantly but refusing to go to bed, even once in bed refusing to go to fucking sleep. It is something I will never understand. We are not children, go to bed.
Then I wake up earlier than I want because he is already awake, making noise and just in general being there.

Removed posts and partial posts as I don't know if the psycho has her friend viewing things or not, probably does. Don't need her stalking and going psycho on a couple of bands like she does on everything else she listens to/claims to like.
I think the friend is just as crazy as she is though.

We didn't kiss at midnight, instead I cuddled my cat. Earlier today while he was sleeping I got off laying next to him, thinking of you.