Personal

I can't stop thinking of him. So horny.

Merry Christmas

I wish I could tell D Merry Christmas or let him know I am thinking of him.
Everyone else in my life I can tell, like J.

Start over

Can we start today over, with a different outcome?
I wake up to my mom having a medical emergency and being taken to the hospital. She should be okay, but don't know for sure yet.
Guy I like might be dating someone, signs of it for awhile, shouldn't matter because of my situation, but it still does.
Someone close to me got news of their cancer coming back so more chemo.
And baseball trades.

Another chance

I would love to tell D how stupid I was. I made mistakes and acted so badly. I wish I had treated him, and situations differently.
I would love a second chance now with him. Explain things. See how he feels.

Dreams

Had the strangest dreams last night. Most, if not all had D in them, either a mention or actually him.

Thinking

I can't stop thinking of him.
I would love to contact him, even briefly.

Annoying

He is so fucking annoying. One, he talks too fucking loud and two, too fucking much. He also talks when I don't want him to. He will wait until I am reading and talk, I pause, wait until he is done and start reading again and he starts again and this goes on and on.

blah

I am sick, plus pain. Got blood results back yesterday so have to see the doctor again, as well as 2 more. Woke up with a cold or something. So I feel blah. Have plans tomorrow so hoping to feel better.
Have a trip soon, hate trying to figure to what I need to pack.
Wish I was able to connect with him.

Bad night

I had a bad night last night. I start to go to sleep. And dark thoughts hit. I start doubting things that I have no reason to doubt. Between thinking of D (and what we had, and what I would like to maybe have again) and seeing someone recently and all those thoughts and the crazy he makes me. These two men combined can mess with my head badly. Along with thoughts of doubt that I know aren't true.

Recovery

I had surgery 4 weeks ago. Recovery is going okay. Return to work next week.

Him

While out today I walked past a guy who looked a bit like him. Since it was brief, came up suddenly and the guy was wearing sunglasses I can't say for sure.
This is twice now I have seen guys who look a lot like him.
This one, as far as I could tell paid no attention to me unlike the other one.

Caring

I feel like people don't care. Maybe it is just me being over sensitive. I really need someone to make me their priority.

Briefly

I thought I saw him this weekend, but it was so brief I can't be sure.
It kinda looked like him, but also didn't look enough like him to be him so I am not sure either way.
The way they guy was looking at me makes me think it was him. Why look at me that way, that intently and for that long if it wasn't him?

Memories

The other day I suddenly had an odd memory about him. Something about taking him by his friends house once and the way I was referred to by him and his friend.
Then later, not the same day, I kinda got upset over him. I hate that because of other issues he can still hurt me, even if technically it is just me overthinking stupid things about him.

Bad day

When I have a bad day I want D. I want him to cuddle me and hold me and make me laugh and tell me it will be okay and take my mind off it the way he used to do.
I remember once having a bad day because of a friends asshole dad. I wanted nothing more than D, for him to make it better. I tried to get a hold of him, but couldn't. He ended up showing up where I was anyway. But for some reason I was a bitch. I guess he wasn't saying he cared in words and actions weren't enough so I was mega bitchy. (Normal for me with him). I wouldn't let him comfort me, which he was willing to do. And when he found out why I was upset he was really mad. (Not at me, at the friends dad).
I also remember once a guy called me a bitch and he lost it. Was going to fight him. I had to take him outside and away from the guy so he would calm down.

Odd memory

Watching tv and suddenly remembered the oddest thing about him.

Scary

Heard that some psycho killed a bunch of people in an area that he has family and visits often, he had talked about moving there. Looked it up and he was not among the victims. So scary, especially when I have no idea where he is. He could be anywhere.

b-day

Today is his birthday. I hope he has a happy one.

Movie

I remember the movie we never saw together. I still have a hard time watching it. I know that might be stupid. But it makes me think of him. Both good and bad times. I don't remember why we never saw it together though.

More or less

I don't know if I have been thinking of D more or less this week, I have been so busy.
I would love to be able to wish him a happy birthday with his birthday coming up.
(I had something I was thinking of but have totally forgotten.)

D

I don't know why I have started thinking of D again, never truly stopped but something has triggered me to think of him all the time.
I don't know if I will ever get another chance with him, but I truly hope to one day get to see him again.
I saw him a few times, back when I was either with my ex or just started with him. At that point I was still in a place where I was angry, I blamed D for things that were never actually his fault. I was not ready to let it go and I honestly never thought I would let it go. I'm not even sure if I knew how angry I was. I also had no idea how to talk to him. He wasn't trying to start up a conversation, but he was definitely trying to get my attention. Now, whether that was attention in a good way, to talk and be friends or more again or whether is was to show me he had moved on I have no idea and may never know. He was always hard to read, you could always tell somethings but not everything. Which is how I know he wanted attention. You don't go through my line and ask stupid questions, more than once, or tell me the price of something several times, without seeking attention, especially when he wasn't doing that to my co-workers. I know D tended to be dopey, but he was never stupid.
I have realized through the help of my friend J that someone moving on and being with someone else is not a reason to be angry, to blame them and be a bitch. I also realize that how things ended with us can be partially my fault. I pushed him away, no idea why, I wasn't meaning to and should have pulled him close again. My mistake. I also reacted badly at the party when he brought her. That was his fault but I didn't handle the whole situation well. We were teenagers and really made dumb mistakes, we were never honest with each other about our feelings and were never officially a couple. Our friends accepted us as a couple and treated us as such, even his friends who didn't really like me.
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This is a topic I am planning to explore. Things I remember, thoughts, feelings. I would love to meet up with him, so how it goes.